“L’anxiété est le plus grand tueur d’amour. Elle fait ressentir aux autres ce que vous pouvez ressentir lorsqu’un homme qui se noie s’accroche à vous. Vous voulez le sauver, mais vous savez qu’il vous étranglera de sa panique.”
“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
From ego states to life scenarios, Transactional Analysis (TA) developed by Canadian psychiatrist Eric Berne provides a theoretical framework to help us become aware of and understand what is happening in the here and now.
With this in mind, Taibi Kahler developed a model in the 1970s describing six personality types. These types correspond to combinations of characteristics related to needs, preferred communication channels, behaviour under stress and, above all, to five drivers (or working styles). These are five convictions that direct our behaviour under mild stress:
In this way, these five drivers are developed by each of us during childhood following the repetition of messages sent by the referring adults. These drivers correspond to what we identify as the behaviour we need to adopt to preserve our own safety. For example, a repetition of « You’re not nice! » will give the driver « Please others» and « Aren’t you done yet? » will give « Hurry up ». Similarly, « Be a man, don’t cry » will lead to « Be strong », « Come on, try again » will lead to « Try hard », and « That’s good, but you could have done better » will lead to « Be perfect ».
However Claudie Ramond says that these drivers are not universal as Taibi Kahler said, but specific to the Western Christian world. In Asia, as in Muslim culture, the main binding message would be: « Be faithful » (to your family, your clan, your religion, etc.). And others would certainly exist.
The drivers, what for?
Universal or not, the drivers we developed in our childhood are useful when they allow us to interact with our environment and progress in the desired direction. In a professional setting, they can have beneficial effects for the subject as well as for the company if they are aligned with the position held.
However, these unconscious prisons, which are repetitive processes and sources of stress, can be disabling and lead us in the quest for unreachable ideal behaviour, undermining our self-esteem. They are then real mechanisms of self-sabotage of our own projects.
Thus, as soon as we identify and understand our drivers, and as soon as we can give ourselves permission (if it is not given to us by others), we can use them instead of being driven by them.
What are your drivers? Take the online test here!
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Many people believe there is no benefit to boredom, but it is a very important emotion, according to the UK psychologist and author Sandi Mann.
In this brief animation, the UK psychologist and author Sandi Mann explores how embracing boredom and letting our minds wander can get us to step off the ever-accelerating hedonic treadmill, and might even encourage creativity.
« Boredom is a really important emotion. When you’re bored you tend to daydream and your mind wanders, and this is a very very important part of the process and this is something we can apply to our day-to-day lives because if you find that you’re stuck on a problem or you’re really worried about something and you can’t seem to find a way out, just be bored and let your mind wander and you might just find that creative solution will pop into your head.
So one way that we can really embrace boredom in our lives is to stop swiping and scrolling our boredom away. So what we tend to do is when we’ve got a bit of downtime is that we get our phones immediately or our devices out. We’re sort of afraid of boredom we’re afraid to let boredom into our lives. We get a dopamine hit from new and novel experiences and of course everything that is stimulating is new and novel, and so the more we have the more we need. And this kind of lowers the threshold for boredom.
So paradoxically the way to deal with boredom is to allow more of it into our life. So put your phones away and just let yourself be and let your mind wander. That’s really important so that you can get used to it and you can learn to manage it yourself. »
Often attributed to the hubris of the ancient Greeks or to the sin of pride as Christianity calls it, the self-promotion of our own assets is discouraged in many Western and Eastern societies, while humility is highly praised. Rightly or wrongly, the result is that from earliest childhood, ignorance – or even non-recognition or denial – of one’s own qualities is reinforced, with the corollary of a lack of self-confidence and a difficulty blossoming. We are so used to looking up that we forget to look at ourselves – selfies aside – and as a result, we miss out on realizing just how beautifully and perfectly imperfect we are.
So, in a world where competitiveness is a reality and is constantly increasing, identifying one’s strengths, talents or positive differentiators stimulates self-confidence. It also helps to find or regain a rightful place in the social setting, a space where one can evolve and feel sufficiently at ease to have an equal exchange with peers.
A self-coaching tool
Put another way, the question is about how to build a sustainable balance between excessive pride which doesn’t support fruitful exchanges and self-depreciation which is an obstacle to growth. There are a number of techniques that can be used to boost self-esteem. The « Role Model » is one of them, suitable to all ages, genders, social levels and cultures.
First of all, identify two or three people YOU particularly admire. Here, by « people » I mean any real or imaginary individual, known personally or through any kind of media, admired for their acts, their impact, their attitude or their values. This could be your grandmother who is a war survivor, your godfather who achieved a brilliant career, a teacher who traveled the world, a politician who fearlessly faced his own party, a revolutionary artist from the Middle-Ages, or even a cartoon hero or a character from a sci-fi novel who protected their planet.
Maybe you will need to think back to when you were adolescents or children, at an age when your dreams were still vivid.
Actually, it doesn’t matter so much who those idols are, so long as you have sincere thoughts such as « If only I could be or act like X ». What’s more, it doesn’t matter whether the reasons for this admiration match with reality or not. It matters even less if others share the same opinion or not. What counts here is that you are able to verbalize the reasons or rather the components of your deep admiration and pinpoint the underlying values, strengths and talents. What makes these heroes so appreciated? What inspires you? What is behind these acts or behaviors that makes them so admirable for you?
In fact, starting from the principle that we can only appreciate what we have already experienced and in contrast to the externalizing conversations used in psychotherapy to help patients dissociate themselves from their problems, this is an internalizing technique, aimed at allowing you to realize the treasures you have inside of you, especially if these treasures are ignored or unused.
From observation to ownership
Once you have identified the ‘components’ of admiration (e.g. courage, creativity, resilience, kindness etc.) divide them into two categories: those you possess, even if only in part, and those you believe you don’t possess. In the most extreme cases – if you feel you have none of these qualities – just make a ranking. In this way, you will bring in a gradation in your own judgment.
The next step is to find both what to capitalize on and what to develop, as the key is to remember that what we admire in others is often already in us without being aware of it. Then a double dynamic develops.
By working on the characteristics already possessed, illustrate them using as many concrete examples as possible, recent and less recent. List actions, highlight experiences where you successfully expressed these values. You need to realize and feel that you are not starting from scratch, that you already have a base to draw from, a base for growth. This will be the stage where the foundations of improved self-esteem are built or strengthened.
Then, in the range of attributes you consider not to possess, choose those that are most desirable to attain or develop…while keeping in mind that an envied characteristic may hide a latent need. To admire someone for his or her sporting victories can express a deep respect for strength of character or express the need for recognition…and therefore love. Listen to yourself and possibly detect the wisest doors to open. The aim is to open the field of possibilities.
From ownership to action
Finally comes the stage of generating ideas as to the different ways in which these dreamt characteristics could be experienced, or how these strengths could be developed. How can you express these characteristics, how could you behave more like your role model? However seemingly insignificant or ambitious the acts, attitudes or rituals, it doesn’t matter. Start small, very small. Progress step by step. What could you put in place? What could you stop doing? What can you do differently? What can you do instead? How can you slowly incarnate your role model?
The action plan to develop is then very simple: choose the first of these actions to implement in your daily life, then a second, a third and so on according to a program that induces a positive spiral and moves from admiration to incarnation. And keep momentum.
The objective of the exercise described here is first the revelation, and second the appropriation of your desired values. What is sought is the embodiment of personality traits as a simple stage of your development without being an end in itself because the development of your personality necessarily passes through the acceptance and appreciation of your own uniqueness.
So, who are your role models?
“There is an innocence in admiration: it occurs in one who has not yet realized that they might one day be admired.”